Tuesday, 1 December 2015

The rise of Chemozilla

If you've ever been pregnant and know that feeling of being totally at the mercy of the latest irrational, hormonal thought then you,  my friend, have an insight into life with The Cancer.
In my case, The Cancer hasn't taken control of the levers in my brain  but I have to admit feeling a bit teenagerish at points since I was diagnosed.  One minute all is well and I can talk about everything and anything,  the next minute someone has dared refer to my chesty lump with a word or phrase I suddenly don't like and I'm flaring my nostrils with rage, much the same as I did when my ex-husband made my morning sick self a different kind of food than the one I had asked for. For the love of God, WHY?!
I didn't improve for a while after my girls were born either- I once told a stranger to get her hand out of my little ones pram (she was cooing over her) because I wasn't sure if her hand was clean.  *Feels normal self cringing at the memory of it.
In essence,  there's only really one thing that bothers me. Here's a bit of cancer etiquette for you which most likely hasn't been covered by Debretts.  Me personally,  I  don't like 'We' and 'our' as in 'we will fight this', 'we won't let this win' and 'this is happening to all of us'. Put simply 'it' isn't . I know this shows up I'm absolutely awful at sharing and I  totally appreciate the sentiment in which these phrases are offered but 'we' haven't got equal stakes in this venture. Yes I appreciate there's no I in team  but there is in bitch.  *puts on bitch hat and sits facing the corner with nostrils flaring like a grand national racer.
In other news, had an amazing visit from a friend (and former work colleague) today. It's been almost four years since  I left and I was absolutely stunned that the rest of the gang have also promised to visit and sent cards and goodies. It was also great to talk about writing -she's amazingly talented and generous in sharing tips so it got my brain ticking over something other than The Cancer.
Lastly, spoke to my Macmillan nurse and it seems despite the gene test being clear there may still  e enough of a risk factor for me to need, as I have termed it, the double off. There's about two months to go before a decision has to be made.

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