It's one of those days today. Despite the rare appearance of sunshine i'm living under a cloud. It's been a day of dark thoughts, of feeling poorly and talking about finances, which I try not to do even on a good day.
I don't recognise the sick looking woman in the mirror and I don't recognise the weary and bitter voice inside my brain. I now understand why it's always referred to as a cancer 'battle'.
I 'm grouchy. I don't want to do this any more without a more concrete motivation than 'hoping' and 'aiming' to cure.
I'd like to stop regretting all the time I have wasted, all the bad decisions i've ever made and be afforded once more the naivety of life when cancer was uncharted territory and when I felt 32 and not elderly.
I would very much like to stop thinking about if this is a punishment and not be haunted of visions of my girls growing up without me, of knowing the hurt they could feel and that I won't be there to soothe them.
It's thoughts of writing them a diary of me 'just in case' but knowing it will always be imperfect. That who knows what I will think when I am forty, or fifty and more and how life will have changed me and them. I will never be able to cover every eventuality. There could be a time when the lines on the page are outnumbered by the years my girls have without me. How on earth do you ever come to terms with that?
It's on days like this, days where I kiss my girls too many times, grip their hands tighter, stare longer into their eyes that I have a stinking attitude towards all of it. Of all the non days during treatment that are wasted from side effects in the hope of better days ahead.
It's sitting in the company of family and friends and feeling like you are about to lose control with the terror of it all but at the same time knowing you absolutely can't go down that road because it doesn't end in resolution.
On top of all that it's the talk of finances and how cancer is expensive and I don't want it. None of us do. It's signing off on a debt relief order - a mini bankruptcy and thinking how meaningless all the money in the world is right now.
I'm ill today and I've had to send the girls off for half-term a day early because I haven't got the strength in me to be mummy at the moment and it breaks my heart.
And here I am pouring it all out to you. For the world to see. Perhaps to judge or think these are thoughts that should be handled privately. But a cancer battle isn't all laughing the face of adversity. Quite often it's spontaneous plunges of terror and living with a nightmare looming in your peripheral vision. I'm sorry for over sharing. But trust me on this. Since cancer, I don't believe in social conventions one bit.