Thursday, 11 February 2016

Well, you did ask

It's one of those days today. Despite the rare appearance of sunshine i'm living under a cloud. It's been a day of dark thoughts,  of feeling poorly and talking about finances, which I try not to do even on a good day.
I don't recognise the sick looking woman in the mirror and I don't recognise the weary and bitter voice inside my brain.  I now understand why it's always referred to as a cancer 'battle'.
I 'm grouchy.  I don't want to do this any more without a more concrete motivation than 'hoping' and 'aiming' to cure.
I'd like to stop regretting all the time I have wasted, all the bad decisions i've ever made and be afforded once more the naivety of life when cancer was uncharted territory and when I felt 32 and not elderly.
I would very much like to stop thinking about if this is a punishment and  not be haunted of visions of my girls growing up without me,  of knowing the hurt they could feel and that I won't be there to soothe them.
It's thoughts of writing them a diary of me 'just in case' but knowing it will always be imperfect.  That who knows what I will think when I am forty, or fifty and more and how life will have changed me and them.  I will never be able to cover every eventuality. There could be a time when the lines on the page are outnumbered by the years my girls have without me. How on earth do you ever come to terms with that?
It's on days like this, days where I kiss my girls too many times,  grip their hands tighter,  stare longer into their eyes that I have a stinking attitude towards all of it. Of all the non days during treatment  that are wasted from side effects in the hope of better days ahead.
It's sitting in the company of family and friends and feeling like you are about to lose control with the terror of it all but at the same time knowing you absolutely can't go down that road because it doesn't end in resolution.
On top of all that it's the talk of finances and how cancer is expensive and I don't want it. None of us do.  It's signing off on a debt relief order  - a mini bankruptcy  and thinking how meaningless all the money in the world is right now.
I'm ill today and I've had to send the girls off for half-term a day early because I haven't got the strength in me to be mummy at the moment and it breaks my heart.
And here I am pouring it all out to you.  For the world to see. Perhaps to judge or think these are thoughts that should be handled privately. But a cancer battle isn't all laughing the face of adversity. Quite often it's spontaneous plunges of terror and living with a nightmare looming  in your peripheral vision.  I'm sorry for over sharing. But trust me on this.  Since cancer,  I don't believe in social conventions one bit.


H said...

Ballsy, I start chemo on the 1st March for stage 4. I have been having the same thoughts as you, infact while in home sense today a big fat 'diary of your life' loomed up at me in the diary section. It was a massive book to fill in, it's all I think about, what I can leave for my daughter, unless you are in it you don't know how being faced with this feels, and it is f*****g tough. All my friends are arranging meet ups for me, I know they are 'seeing me while they can' and wanting to cradle me but I just want to say ' I don't accept cancer, sorry you will have to take it back save the meet ups for another time' its's a surreal place to be, I am reaching out to you to say you are not alone xxx

ballsybaldie said...

H, my heart goes out to you right now. I know exactly that feeling of wanting to see everybody but not under the circumstances and certainly not as a pilgrimage.Please know you're also not alone and if you want to chat further please find me on Facebook and we can message with wild abandon. Xxx