Thursday, 25 February 2016

Wishful Thinking

There have been times of late where i've briefly stopped crossing my fingers and silently repeating 'please God let me get better' in favour of more vain pursuits.  I'll momentarily forget what i'm going through and instead think 'please God let me not look see through today' or 'please God, don't take my eyebrows' or the most recurring one 'please God, when this is all over can you arrange it so I look very much like Gigi Hadid?' Not going to lie, i'm desperately hoping the surgeon is kind when doing my reconstruction and less nips and tucks and more chomps and hospital corners me to a body I am too lazy and greedy to achieve alone.
When I first noticed these thoughts creeping in I felt a bit bad. Surely I was wasting wishes on vanity that could be better served on willing myself better.  Wasn't I spending brain power that could be put to navigating financial crisis rather than something so superficial?  But i've been doing both and we need the balance of the weighty and the light stuff to make a good life. 
On the financial side of things i'm waiting on news from my ESA application  (formerly disability allowance) and I have applied for a one off grant from Macmillan to help with living costs.  I'm using the money that's been raised so far to cover Child 2's childcare for the rest of the school year. The debt is still there and isn't going to go away but i'm hoping to fight off bankruptcy by explaining my situation and making minimal payments to each creditor.  I am also looking in to reduced utility bills as apparently there is some help available for people with serious illnesses.  It's not a completely mapped out plan but it's a first stepping stone rather than being confronted with a looming brick wall.
Now for the beauty bits.  I've learned of late a bald head and a pale face are surprisingly useful tools in securing samples from beauty counters. I don't feel too bad for using these unexpected 'assets' because it's stuff that was always intended to be given away for free and it's helped me build a box of pick me ups I can go to on an off day. Something as small as a new hand cream can help really make a big difference when every bit of you feels like it's passed its use by date. 
And there are lots of days of feeling off lately. Having pretty much sailed through the first three rounds of chemo, the fourth has been a rougher tide. Before cancer, T was the sound of lovely things- my favourite drink, the thought of afternoon tea at a swanky hotel, teeing off for golf but almost a week after my first round of T I am laid low, living from painkiller to painkiller,  slurping pineapple juice for my swollen throat, being all kinds of grumpy and sleeping.  Sometimes I sleep just to get away from my own grumpy thoughts. I don't think it helps much that one of my side effects has been really sore ears and i'm sensitive to the smallest noise. Talking on the phone is uncomfortable and two noises happening around me at the same time is unbearable .  
I'm holding our now until my ultrasound scan on Tuesday 8 March which is going to reveal what the lump has been up to.

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