Saturday, 2 January 2016

A Different Day

You have all played a part in getting me through today.  From the comments, inbox messages,  texts, calls and blog shares- each one has lifted my spirits.  I went to see an old friend today, the same I have mentioned before, who knows the right things to say. 
In truth, this dear friend of mine is a therapist who I began seeing in the Summer, before I had my diagnosis but at a time life felt too tough to do alone. I was suffering panic attacks which are a legacy from my dad's sudden death three years ago and lonely after relocating for what became an abusive relationship.  I felt hopeless and- i know other single parents who can relate- to occasional bouts of despair where you can sometimes wish the next morning doesn't come.
During this time a friend of mine recommended 'Live  Life, Love Life ',  a self help book  by the life coach Sue Stone and after reading it I emailed Sue with my story and she was kind enough to give me a phone call to motivate me into making change. 
Life felt pretty desperate in a first world problems kind of way,  so I researched therapists in the area and  went to visit mine,  my guardian angel, a few days later. 
I originally went because I thought I was going mad.  For more than a year I had spent my life with someone who encouraged me to believe I was mentally ill and it had taken its toll. For weeks on end I argued my case for being mentally ill, a burden on my children and the cause of every failure. For weeks on end my dear friend reassured me I was actually quite healthy, definitely not diagnosable and eventually I came to believe it myself. 
There is no greater luxury than comfort in your own head space and I am so fortunate to have had that opportunity when it arose as it's meant I can face The Cancer while being much kinder to myself.  
Therapy is beautiful. It's a wonderful, giving,  sharing, experience and an absolute lifesaver to me at this time.  It's a place I can weep for me and my children, where I can be guided to coping strategies and positivity and life.  It's a treat and my dear friend is a genuinely beautiful soul.
Dear reader, life is tough at times. Some people  may judge others for seeking help . I know when I was being convinced I was bonkers I was also berated for suggesting I 'see someone'.  The absolutely most healthy thing you can do as a human is reach out whether it be in Church,  through therapy, with friends. Be kind to yourself,  it's the greatest kindness you can give to  people who love you most.  

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