Monday, 4 January 2016

When I Grow Up

I'm not coping today.  Not one bit.  Waking up was hard enough- i'm not sure if it's the chemo or the cold that has left me feeling bone achingly tired but ache I do. 
The house looks like a squatters den where I attempted to spring clean during an energy surge and went from room to room pulling bits out of cupboards and now have piles on the middle of rooms that need bagging and binning although there's too much for the bin men to take so I will have to store it and leave it out in stages if I get round to ever bagging it up at all. 
Supplies were low so I had to get the girls dressed to go to the cafe for breakfast. 
Child 1 had a realisation of what cancer is and had a meltdown about not wanting me to die and asking what will happen to her and her sister if I do.
I went to call the Oncology unit to see if my bloods from A and E could be used as my pre -chemo results but EE  has cut my phone off because they can't find evidence of my direct debit despite it being paid and verified by my bank. 
The council has given me 7 days to send in my P45 from work or they will suspend my housing allowance and I can't afford to cover it while they reassess my claim. 
I eventually got to speak to Oncology and they do need another blood test so that's more taxi fares and more hospital for the girls.
The pile of collection letters on the doormat when I arrived back from Christmas says bankruptcy is imminent and I don't have the energy to fight it.
I'm scared i'll have to surrender my girls go their dad. Not because he's a bad father,  he's the best. I just don't know if I am the best for them right now but they can't keep starting anew.  If they go,  thry'll then permanently live with him and only visit me.  If you see a fairy godmother,  please send her my way.

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